John Bresee

Finally the US cellular world is settling down. It used to be a mishmash of companies and technologies; Analog, TDMA, CDMA, GSM, UMTS, EVDO, EDGE, GPRS, CDMA2000, etc. ad infinitum. But reall it was a silly mishmash of acronyms that brought no value to the consumer other than confusion.

Now we have settled into a simple world that seems to be summed up something like this:

1. AT&T – Its network sucks but they have the iPhone and it’s so much better than anything else that its customers are willing to suffer two dropped calls a week and the insufferable rudeness of not offering tethering.

2. Verizon – It begged borrowed and stole to create the largest network and it would have stomped or assimilated AT&T if it weren’t for those meddling kids at Apple. Its strategy appears to be to throw so many iPhone-like things at its customers that they will be tricked into trying something touch-screeny and that’ll lock ‘em down for another two years until it can build an actual user friendly mobile internet phone. Remember people, it’s not like thunder dome, “Break the deal, face the wheel.” All that happens if you abandon Verizon is usually a $100 charge that you can often talk AT&T into paying. Don’t be a droidiot.

2.1 Yes, I know about the Droids. I’ve got one sitting next to me but Verizon doesn’t have much coverage in Paia so I can’t use it. It’s got some cool features but overall it’s just a heavier dumber iPhone with a much worse app store. Version 3.0 of Android will be an iPhone beater if Apple sits still. And that’s what they’re known for, just kicking back in Cupertino and resting on their laurels.

3. Cingular – Really? Are they still around? Does anyone use them? is gettig a Cingular phone like getting a tattoo when you’re drunk? You wake up and realize you have a symbol for the devil on your ass, but damn, what are you gonna do. It’s gonna take two years of laser treatments to get it removed.

4. Sprint/Nextel – Push to talk? Wow, that still makes me laugh. I had push to  talk when I was 10. I used it a a communication technology that came right after my tin can and string communication phase. It was excellent in walkie talkies in my boy scout tent…on the floor of my bedroom for sleep overs. But it’s hardly the basis for a global communication strategy. I haven’t seen whether Sprint is growing or shrinking but I don’t know anybody with a Sprint phone. Do you?

5. Blackberry users– Okay, it’s not a wireless provider but it is cult like. Blackberry’s are like some disease that we know the cure for but it’s just going to take a while to stamp out. They spread like wildfire through the business world and ironically business thinkers are not real leading edge folks. It’s so painful when some Blackberry user shows me that he can too browse the web. And then on his itty bitty little screen he shows me Google with a proud expression like dog bringing you a bone when you get home from work. You pat them reassuringly and say, “good boy, yes, you’re on the mobile web, good boy.” And then you look away awkwardly.

6. Microsoft –Okay, we’ll save the hardware vendors for another post but simply: BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!

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